#4 Ending my 4th decade

It is a farewell kind of day. It is day to say good bye to the first half of my life assuming I make it to 80. So many questions linger today--questions of accomplishment, of relationship, of progress, of identity. For me, 39 has been a difficult year. It is the closure of journey to some extent. With that closure there is relief, regret, and reflexion.

Alexi Murdoch was my music therapist a few years ago and I feel myself entering into another counseling session. Tears can come almost immediately when I hear some of his songs. "Breathe" was the mantra three years ago when career transition started. I wonder what song it might be in this season.

#3 Feeling

I am in the midst of one of the moments where the pressure of the world or the pressure of myself seems to push against every part of my being. Closing my eyes places me under the weight of a rock, a stone, a burden. A burden that I cannot explain. I burden that I remember as a child. It is a sensation that I vaguely know from my dreams. I am not sure if those dreams are from the sub conscience of sleep or of the sub conscience of awake. I know these feelings, but I don't want to feel them. Tonight there was a voice that said feel it. What is this reality of feeling? I don't know but it is almost impossible to breath. Yet, I remember the scent of God that came upon me tonight over dinner. It is usually short and for a moment. Tonight, I smelled that scent over and over again. God, what are you saying? Where are you in this? I am angry. I am angry. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am unsure. I am angry. I am mistrusted. I am lost. There is no one to guide me, teach me or help me. I am on my own. That pisses me off. All the voices say "you are not enough." But if I sit with the feeling, there is an awakening of sensation. I am enough, because God is enough.

#2 Pain

Pain is taking on a different role in my life as I age. Living in a way to avoid pain has been so much a part of my dna. And when pain arises, numbing is my first reaction. Pain has a place. Pain reveals my limitations. Pain accentuates my humanness. Pain makes me stop.

That is my issue. I don't slow to a walk enough. I had better start listening.

#1 Predetermined. . . destined. . . wine

Wow. 14 days until I reach a milestone age. I am not sure what it means other than I feel like drinking more wine today. Now that it is July, my 40th is only 14 days away. Yesterday I had this brilliant thought while running that I should blog about what I am unlearning now that I am finishing my 4th decade of life. So much can fall into that category. It feels like deconstruction is the name of the my last few years. But the essence of this deconstruction feels pretty good. It is disheartening and painful but at the core pretty good.

My first unlearning is that life is predetermined. So much of my understanding of my self and the world is that it is predetermined in some form. I am sure that it can be linked somewhat to my "evangelical" life of God's predetermined maneuvering of everything in my life. It also comes from the story of my family history where living the lot given to you is noble and right. Is this life to be predetermined? There is a certain amount of hopelessness that necessarily follows this thought. Why hope if it is already decided, already lived, already written? Hope is a word that is coming to life this year as I live and grow. Hope is a word that does not seem to be congruent with this idea of a predetermined life. There is this strange tension between the cosmic and the human when it comes to life.

All I know right now is that I am enjoying this glass of wine right this very moment. Not much more to predetermine than that.

smashed finger

Well, I just let the door slam on my finger once again. Seems like a ritual for me. About once a year I happen to slam a finger in a car door or a house door. Maybe everyone does, but this week I happened to get two fingers with two different doors.

With the ache of today's happenstance, the thoughts have been stirring. I know that accidents happen, but for me it usually is a result of hurrying from one thing to another. Hurrying is a normal part of my day. I seldom walk slowly or without purpose.

My question today is: Do I hurry because I am anxious about the next thing or do I hurry because I am anxious to leave the last? My heart leans toward the latter. If I leave the last thing quickly, I might not know failure. But leaving too quickly may result in leaving something behind.

Hurry is one way I avoid rhythms within my daily path. Ouch! I can't type quite as fast with this throbbing finger. Damn!

blueberry picking with the girls

June is here and that means blueberry picking for our family. Yeah, we pick between 20 and 50 pounds of blueberries every June and July. They freeze and last just over a year in our house. Blueberry pancakes, blueberries on cereal, and best of all blueberry snacks. Today it was just my daughters and me along with some friends, but we were productive and efficient. We picked 20 pounds in about 1.5 hours. That is not to bad for an almost 8 year old, an almost 11 year old and an almost 40 year old.

That almost 40 year old is probably the impetus for the blog. Thoughts seem to always fill my mind, especially when I allow time for it to be quiet. Why not put some of these thoughts into writing?

Touching nature in its unique seasonality always triggers something deep with in my soul. Seeing the ripe fruit next the unripe realizing that the bush is doing exactly what it has been created to do. It is not expected to produce more. It is not expected to produce more. . . .

Can I find a way to stop producing for just a moment to rest? Not a rest that is in and of itself consuming, but a rest that is true and deep. That I don't know.