writing

It's been a while.  Writing challenges the very being of core.  My core self has remained rather hidden for the last year.  I can definitely tell by the lack of time spent writing in my journal, on this blog and in general.  The very act of writing or speaking brings to the surface that which can remain hidden if there is no voice.

A very strange dream this morning brought to the surface a significant awareness, so I will try writing again.  The main person in this dream was a man about my age, actually, he looked a lot like me except that he had a rather large and reddened scar on his right cheek.  It was a marking of pain, agony and hardship.  He wore no emotions on his face.  In fact, he was almost a ghost of a person.  I called this person my "inner sociopath."

It is always super strange to be able to name things within yourself while still within the dream.  It was one of those dreams that I was aware was a dream, and I was aware that this was me at some deep level within the shadow.  The details of the dream are not necessary, but this man, this "inner sociopath" sets off a bomb within an unknown building.

Such an act, am I truly capable?  No, but the coldness of the shadow scared me when I awoke.  Over the last few years, I have come to a place of emotionless paralysis.  In my relationships, in my work, in my moments of self care or reflection, I have so distanced myself from my very self.  My ego self rigidly defends.

In my dreams, defense against my shadow comes down.  My mental capacity and control relaxes and the sub-conscience self can emerge for a moment.   What to do with this  shadow is the question this morning?  Can I sit with, love and care for this scarred man?  I don't know, but at least I am writing. That seems to be a start.